From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Sports and Suchlike Edition
“The New England Patriots were beaten by the Philadelphia Eagles 41-33. Eagles fans started fires and punched police horses. Then they sat down to watch the Super Bowl.”
—Conan O’Brien
“Honestly, I would go. I would go, and show up with moving boxes and a U-Haul.”
—Wanda Sykes, on whether she would visit the White House if she was a Philadelphia Eagle, on Late Show
A classic from two years ago.
“Doritos is reportedly looking into launching a so-called lady-friendly chip that doesn’t crunch as loudly. Because there’s no more appropriate snack for the #MeToo era than a chip that tells women to be quiet.”
—Seth Meyers
“In South Korea, the Winter Olympics start[ed] Thursday. Vice President Mike Pence will be there for opening ceremonies but is leaving after that so he doesn’t have to see the biathlon. He believes that athlons should be between one man and one woman.”
—Jimmy Kimmel
“So, to recap: the FBI is criminalizing being black and angry, chilling free speech, and ignoring reasonable requests for information from black congresswomen. Hey, [Fox News and Devin Nunes]! Tell me again how the FBI is an organization of left-wing Hillary Clinton-loving hippies. Cuz it sounds to me like they fit right in to the Trump administration.”
—Samantha Bee (Full segment here)
“Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is being called out of touch and is facing some backlash after bragging about the Republican tax plan. He tweeted about a Pennsylvania high school secretary saying she was pleasantly surprised when her pay went up $1.50 a week. I guess Trump promised real change. And the Republicans delivered in the form of five quarters, two dimes, and a nickel.”
—James Corden
Preemptively: thank you, Olympics, for saving our sanity for at least the next two weeks.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold… [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]